26 Mar It’s OK to be Single

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JUAN SAYS: Much like many of you, we too have been faced with judgemental eyes when people learn that we are still single. Above our 30s, entering our 40s, single – not in a relationship, never married and never had kids. The judging eyes have once been funny, but as we grew older, we thought it was becoming intrusive. “What’s wrong with you?” We hear that a lot. “Ay bakla yan kaya wala siyang asawa!” “Maganda ka naman, bakit wala kang anak?”

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We are offended, to say the least, to have people think that there is something definitely wrong with us, or that we are confused about our gender that is why we are still single. Kami pa ngayon ang mali! It was a conscious decision for us, the people of JUAN to keep it that way. We may be afraid of our parents when we were younger, or we can never be too careful of the things we do. This fear, this irreverent fear of disappointing our parents has led us to be what we are today – single, without fucking up our lives, so to speak. We do not wish to offend those who have made the mistake of getting someone pregnant or getting themselves pregnant, or those who have chosen to get married yet are not getting their fairytales (who is anyways?), and those who have married and decided that this isn’t for them. In fact, we are proud. We feel privileged that we didn’t encounter the headaches, much less the horrors of making that mistake. We did save ourselves some heartache. As Sisa’s mother has one’s pointed out: “better a broken relationship than a broken marriage.”

But it is appalling to us that we, those who chose to keep it together, are branded to be the misfits of this society just because we chose a different path. It is hurtful and at the same time, unfair for us to be judged just because we are not part of the “baggaged” bandwagon. It has to a point become a detrimental position to find the love of our lives just because we are this – less baggaged, less complicated. Masama na pala ngayon sa isang relasyon, ang pumasok kang maayos at matino. Kailangan pala magulo ang buhay mo para ka tumagal sa isang relasyon. Mas safe daw kasi kapag may anak na, dahil mas desperado kumapit sa isang relasyon. We rest our case. But this article is not for them.

We’d like to talk to the 30-somethings, the 40-somethings who have been in a series of relationships, those who do not feel the need to be in a relationship nor be married just because society dictates us to be so. It is OK. It is ok to choose not to be attached to someone because you don’t need to be. Truth be told, you don’t need to be in a relationship in order to survive. Your relationships or the people you are in a relationship do not define you. You define yourself. It is to say that you are whole by yourself and the thought of needing someone to make you whole is really out of the question. Truth be told there is nothing wrong with that.

There is also nothing wrong if you choose not to have children. It is your body, it is your life, our sole purpose in this world does not rely merely on our capacity to have children. Hindi ka paanakang baboy, at lalong hindi ka barako! Children are not investments. We should NEVER expect them to take care of us when we are older. Children are brought into this world to be better contributors to society, hindi siya ang guarantee ng future mo. It is rather unfair for our children to be treated as such. In our own experience, we as children have taken cared of our aging process not because we were obliged to do so, but rather we did it out of love for our parents. And someday, should we choose to have biological children or via adoption, we believe that it will be their choice to return the favor or not. No hard feelings.

Children will not change our perspectives. We change perspectives because we do. They do not give meaning to our lives because we already found meaning in what we do and what we contribute to society. We do not want to be stuck with obligations that we can’t give our 100% to. We can not, by default, sacrifice our mission, our purpose in this world for the sake of having children or thinking about what to feed our husbands for breakfast. We do not wish to blame our children for the many things, the many adventures and the many accomplishments that we are set to make. We do not want our chosen families to be the jail cell of our freedom. And with that, we say, it is OK to choose to be single.

People who choose to be single do not want complications. Indeed, we do not wish to deal with the shit of other people. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, and we do not have the luxury of time and the patience to deal with other people’s shit.

We do not wish to compromise our values, our principles, our moral compass just because we need someone to go home to. Sure it would be great to see a familiar face when we retire at night, but to come home to an infidel, an abusive partner, someone who never really met our standards thereby, we are having a hard time talking to them, is too painful to even consider. We do not wish to succumb to the pressure and marry the next guy or girl who crosses our way just because every friend we have on facebook is posting photos of their children, their engagement rings, or their weddings. We do not think that we will be kinder, more patient and more mature when we marry nor when we have kids. We can develop those traits by finding our purpose and making our contributions to society.

Again, it is OK. Do not let what other people think or say dictate what you should do with your lives. You get married for the right reasons. You should be with someone for the right reasons. If he or she didn’t make the cut, then why put yourself through suffering just because? Have children for the right reasons. If you do not feel motherly or fatherly just yet, then don’t have children. You are not alone. We too do not feel that way. We do not think that our genes are wasted just because we do not have a spawn to be the next “mini me.” We do not feel any of that. And that we believe is still OK.

It serves a great injustice to this world if you, for the lack of common sense, choose what you do not want for yourselves. Sino nga ba ang gusto ng komplikado at magulong buhay? We do not want that. Nobody wants that we pressume. So let us all drop it. Drop the judgments and respect the choices we’ve made for ourselves. OK kami na hindi magulo ang buhay namin. OK kami na wala kaming obligasyon na hindi naman talaga namin ginusto. OK kami, at walang mali sa amin na ganito kami. Sa pananaw ninyo lang naman kami mali.

 

 

 

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