22 Apr Breaking Up is Hard to Do
“The regret of not having done enough, the whole pwede pa sana school of thought — wishing you had done more and wondering what would have happened if you had — that haunts your every waking and sleeping hour, as terrifying to some as seeing dead people. I suspect this is why women stay longer than they should in situations that make them miserable. They want to face down their monsters now, when they still have energy left, and not run away only to have those monsters lurk around in their supposed happy and content future. They don’t want to regret anything; they don’t want to think that they have “given up too soon.” They want to be sure. They want to be able to walk away and never look back.” – The Last Sweet Ro-Ro, Astigirl by Tweet Sering.
When something is over, we know that it is over. I too am the very person who is described in the text written in this book. I too have a hard time letting go. If one would keep track of my relationships, most of it could be considered a lifetime. And the funny thing is I am that girl who doesn’t consider patience as her stellar virtue.
Someone once told me that what I am in business, swift and calculating in decision making, closing deals within a specified time frame (timetable: MINE) and decisive whether it be wrong or right, should be applied in my relationships. I admit it would take me too long to make that call of saying “enough already.” But really, when is enough enough?
Now the question lies how long do you wait? And what exactly are the signs that indeed you are waiting for something? And seriously, one must ask, what the hell are you waiting for?
In all honesty, waiting for something to happen is a personal decision. No matter how many mixed signals you get from the other party (and no matter how clear nor distorted your view maybe), waiting is a personal choice. It is a risk. And just like any other things in life, one must ask if the risk is worth taking. The value of the risk doesn’t come from the “prize,” but it comes from the person who is deciding to take the risk. Is it valuable to you? Would you be a better person by learning how to wait? Do you have the time and energy to wait? Yet we have to be reminded that not all things are worth waiting for. And not all things are worth fighting for.
The time when one must wait, must be dictated by the individual who has decided to wait. Surely one can’t force you to wait for another year or so, even if the other has specified a waiting period.
I have waited with and without the promise. Nothing materialized out of it. So I am back to square one. I hate waiting and I don’t wish to wait. Period. Have I asked people to wait on me? None that I know of. I hate making promises I can’t keep.
The decision making process
The decision to end the waiting is almost ceremonial. We go through many heartbreaks and disappointments before we finally step on the breaks. We exhaust ourselves. Hurting our bruised heart over and over until we become numb and we decide that we no longer care. At least in the end we won’t be asking ourselves if we’ve done enough, if we’ve given enough. Kailan ka ba talaga natatauhan? How many more crying sessions? How many more “pag-di-ka-pa-tumigil-tatadyakan-na-kita-sa-ngala-ngala” sermons from friends do we take in before we sever the ties?
And then comes the withdrawal. We tend to hate everything that we used to love about the guy. His smile becomes a smirk. And his once cute face suddenly looks like an ugly anito. “What the hell was I thinking?” You ask yourself repeatedly. Sa totoo lang hindi ko rin alam!
Then comes the cleaning up, the removal of all traces of his face on Facebook. The deleting of all your albums together on your PC and laptop – magkaibang version pa talaga! Thank goodness it was easy since you’ve practically time lined and color coded all your photos. And then his things. And the things he has given you. You suddenly think of the nearest charitable institution and make a dash for it.
But above all, there is a painstaking process of letting go of all the trauma. There are certain things in the past that we don’t want to have a repeat performance. And as much as we hate it, history has a great tendency to repeat itself. Because we live in patterns. Because our life is a cycle. Because we have the tendency to hit our heads again and again with hammers just because it feels so effin’ good after. This brings about the tendency to close our doors, and lock the windows tight. We surround ourselves with walls and we keep our guards up to weed away the so-called frogs. And if I were such a hopeless romantic, I would have wanted to bite the poison apple and waited for the real prince to awaken me from my deep sleep. Malamang may cobwebs na ako nun! What is taking him so long?
Yun lang, pag dumating na si Prince Charming, hahanapan mo talaga ng butas para masabing: “Men are fucking idiots. Period.” Haist. Baliw-baliwan mode on.
As I have learned through the years, there are some things that should be left at that. Broken. And maybe even shattered to pieces just because picking each broken piece will lead you to a deeper cut, a deeper wound that might never heal. There are a lot of questions that are better left unanswered and there are certain things in life not worth keeping for the sake of ones sanity. For the sake of peace. There are certain relationships that one must sever because it just ain’t it. No matter how much you try. No matter how much you prayed and waited. And no matter how much you wanted it. Because IT JUST AIN’T IT!