17 Apr Breaking Free: Were You a Yes Girl Like Me?
I had a pretty interesting 24 hours. Credit it to lack of sleep, hormones, or my obsessive way of nitpicking every detail of my life but I’d be the first to tell you that it was a night of clarity.
I’m a yes girl. Growing up, I’ve always had the inherent need to help people, it doesn’t matter if I’ve known them forever or just for five minutes but if someone needs help, I would go out of my way to help them. More than being a yes girl, I can also tell you that I’m an all out girl. I don’t care who you are or what you bring to the table, I don’t hold back. Conversations with the people close to me are often peppered with, “Hold back a bit, don’t give it your all, don’t trust people from the get go.” That’s another thing about me: I’m relentlessly optimistic. Over and over again, I enter into friendships (of whatever variety) in the hopes that my kindness would be enough to garner someone’s loyalty. I would always assume that everyone is as transparent as I am. It never crossed my mind that people can be deceitful, manipulative, or at a loss with their own intentions until I am left with pieces of something broken: either pieces of a broken relationship or most often, my heart.
I don’t have a filter. I don’t have a gauge. I don’t keep score. I give, I trust, and I hope and for the longest time, I’ve always considered this my greatest weaknesses. It may be my idealistic view of things but I have always thought being a decent human being equated to being around equally decent human beings. But the truth is, people get what they need and carry along with their lives. I used to think they were the villains in my life without realizing that life was simply like that: a constant exchanging of goods and services pretty much like the olden days of barter.
I used to think that I needed to rewire the way I was. I needed to put up walls, let people out, and stop being who I was simply because I’ve been hurt several times, but life isn’t like that. I cannot stop the consistency of who I am simply because specific people did not (and do not) appreciate it. It takes a different kind of bravery to continue to love people (or at least not wish them dead) when one is taken advantage of. But don’t get me wrong, I will walk away but I will not regret you. I will also not badger my self for not “protecting” myself. I won’t stop being the person that I am but what I have to stop (which I am still learning) is to stop expecting people to have the same heart as I do. Life is a big variety of people and each person in unique in loving, appreciating, and in doing life.
I am not quite sure yet how to get to that point of radical love but I’d like to think that I am on my way.
My life choices have also been questioned lately and while I truly appreciate people showing me different views of life, I have learned one thing as well: not every opinion matters. Part of being a yes girl is wanting to fit into a specific mold for every environment that I am in: friends, work, and family. I’m learning the bravery of facing the fact that some of my choices may never appease the people around me and while some may think they know what’s best for me, I have to be the one who gets to decide. And for a yes girl, that’s a tough step. Because a lot of people see so many things in my life they wish to fix thinking that I am unhappy.
And while there are many parts of my life that I still wish to improve on and many hurts that I still have to move forward from, I am actually content with the life I am living and the choices I’ve made so far. I’m content with my constants and while my constants may shock or annoy people; I ‘m learning not to explain them because it’s my life. I’ve never given it that ownership before simply because I’ve always wanted to say “yes” to the molds created by people around me.
I need to stop doing that. I need to stop questioning myself and I also need to stop defending my life choices no matter how corny they may seem to others.
I need to be brave enough to look at my life and be proud of how I’m living it. For once, I need to stop seeing life and myself as a project to fix. I simply have to be and things will be okay.