16 Feb 8 Steps How the President Can Rise Above This Sh*thole



JUAN SAYS: After all has been said given the testimonies of Purisima, Espina ..et al. , it can be said that the President knew of what was going on.  He clearly had an understanding of the whole operation.  He was there in Zamboanga following the whole operation. So lets cut the bull and crap.  He messed up.  No, he messed up terribly.
The sad thing here is that not only did everything under his command go wrong; he handled the entire situation AFTER the death of 44 soldiers badly. From a no-show at the airport, which just shows how heartless he is, to his finger pointing at the ones he thinks should be blamed.  There’s just no owning up to all the blunders he has caused.  No accountability whatsoever.
What’s even sadder is that the ones defending him (the minion senators, the cabinet members, among others) just look plain stupid, trying to establish that he wasn’t at fault or had no participation whatsoever leading to this tragedy. Pathetic.
We at JUAN can’t understand why no one can stand up and ask (and we were banking on Senator Miriam) this, once and for all, why can’t the President explain his participation or non-participation in the Mamasapano incident? Magsalita ka ng diretso! We need an explanation. We deserve an acceptable reason. (If you don’t get this then i-google mo and Starting Over Again quotable quotes.)
What is hard with giving an apology? What’s so hard with saying ‘I’m sorry?’ What’s so hard with owning up to your mistakes? Why can’t you accept accountability for all your decisions? You are the Commander-in-Chief.  You are responsible for your actions and even the actions of the people under you.  This whole Mamasaporo tragedy is on YOU!
Lets face it Mr. President, once your term is over, don’t discount the fact that a subpoena may come your way for the participation of the murder of 44 soldiers.  Let’s not clean our hands.
You need to say sorry.  You need to say sorry to your people who are now trying to defend you, especially those trying to clean up your mess.  You need to say sorry to the families left behind by the 44 soldiers, not just condolences but a heartfelt apology through actions, not just words.  You need to say sorry to us who think you no longer deserve to represent this country.
Hell, you should even apologize to the country for having a sister like Kris. (Oh sorry, that’s not you, it should be your parents. We just don’t see the connection between a “national hero for a father,” and “a perceived saint for a mother” having an anomaly for an offspring that is Kris Aquino.)
Mr. President you must apologize.


Here are our suggested remedies on how the President can climb out of the deep shithole that he has managed to get himself into.


1. Mr. President You Must get LAID

When we say LAID we mean a damn good fuck, the kind that makes the toes cringe in ecstasy.  No more of the usual blowjobs or hand jobs only, but really REALLY good sex. One that can rival the sex scandals of Hayden Kho, Chito Miranda and Wally from Eat Bulaga. (Read more about it here.)
Now hear us out, it has been proven that sex releases endorphin, which triggers the brain to make one’s state of mind quite happy. And you know what they say when you’re happy. When you’re happy and you know it, you clap your hands. It is clear that the president has made some pretty bad decisions as of late, and needs a good reset button. Lets face it, you are single and you have every right to seek fun (not that we’re saying you’re not). And come on, you’re the president, the most powerful person in this country (your sister aside). There are tons of girls out there who just bathe their hormones in power! (Case in point Heart Evangelista). So finding the right girl wouldn’t be a problem for you at all.
We need a first lady. Seriously Mr. President, aside from your apology, we do need a first lady because we are all tired of your sister who thinks that she is the most powerful woman in this country, just because you do not have a “redeeming factor” for a wife. And sadly, your sister doesn’t redeem you. She puts you in deeper shit.



 2. Do NOT consult your sister Kris on this.

Now remember the people of the Philippines want an AUTHENTIC apology.  You want to be credible. You want it for the people, something that will touch their hearts like no other. You want us to be on your side, and your sister was never good at any of that. We were never on her side, even when she stopped primetime television to air her VD story (not on her birthday), not when she pleaded for “awa” when her former husband James allegedly wanted to rape her (juice colored!), not even when she cried foul when Bistek denied any romantic relations with her.


3.  Hire Antoinette Jadaone to make your apology speech

Admittedly, this girl is on a roll.  From writing the MMFF blockbuster “English Only Please” to “That Thing Called Tadhana” This girl clearly knows how to write from the heart, something that you have clearly lost as evidenced by your absence in Villamor when your fallen heroes arrived in body bags. She knows how to relate to people and connect with them.  She knows what the people need, and what the people want. Something that is clearly missing in your alley.

4.  Fire Secretary Mar Roxas

Cut the guy some slack.  How can this guy do his job when he isn’t even in the loop? He looks like a fool under you. Be a good friend and let go of the guy.  Who knows, he might actually shine on his own.  Take note, “his own,” no wife mentioned here.

5. Have a BENCH Billboard.

Why not try and hold hands with Chairman Iqbal on a billboard along EDSA.  Let’s see if everyone can understand the true intention behind this. Because we couldn’t, not in the current Bench campaign, not even when it is you and Chairman Iqbal, holding hands while walking, pa-sway-sway pa.

6.  Get a Stem Cell Treatment

As a Commander-in-chief you want to be on top of your game.  You want to be strong and in fighting form.  Just look at Juan Ponce Enrile, the guy is 92 and still can bitch slap his closest opponent. Now we are waiting for another bout of Miriam-JPE in the Senate. That is a lot better than the pending Pacquiao-Mayweather fight.

7. Drink Coffee. The Filipino Kind.

You need a good perk me up since you’ve been slacking.  We heard the Cordillera bean is pretty strong, the Batangas brew ain’t bad either.  Remember to patronize Philippine-made products. Just look at what happened to Stella Araneta, that girl had too much Colombian coffee.

8. Get JUAN to make your marketing plan to uplift your ratings in the SWS Survey.

Remember, we did the marketing campaign of the MMFF New Wave in 2014. And we can make you look like THIS:

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